Susan likes hammocks, and over the years numerous varieties have been strung between the tall pine trees that dot the hillside behind our house. She, and in earlier years our daughters, would lay in them to seek a relaxing, shady haven on a warm, sunny day.

But age, the elements and visiting children finally weathered and tattered our two older ones, so this year she decided we should get a new model. That’s when it all began.

The new hammock was different than the others in many ways. First, it was big. While the others were basically one-person or maybe two-kid models, the new one was wide enough for an offensive lineman and long enough for Shaq. In fact, we comfortably could have fit ourselves one at each end — if it had progressed that far.

Of course, I didn’t realize all this at first. So, after putting the hammock between the hooks already in place on two of the trees, I promptly banged my butt on the ground during the first test run.

"Gee, it didn’t look like it sagged that much,’’ I called down to her, grimacing on the deck, as I scrambled to get out of the thing before anyone else might notice.

It was clear I was going to have to draft the services of another tree or two to make the hammock work right. Fortunately there was one pine at a different angle and a greater distance, so I would have to move only one hook. I pulled the hammock to the other tree and it seemed a good fit, so I moved the hook.

I got in, and it worked. But one of other ways this hammock was different made itself apparent. It was made of rope and didn’t feel very comfortable to lie in. But at least it was up.

Then, a couple weeks later, she pointed out that she really didn’t like the hammock where it was, that it should be closer to the deck and maybe get more sunlight.

"Maybe if we had a post on the deck it could run to a tree from there,’’ she suggested.

Now, I’ve never been a hammock-kind-of-guy, so I had not lain in the thing since it was up. She’d been in it a few times and seemed fine with it.

In shock, I responded. "A post? More sun? Are you sure you want this hammock? It’s not that comfortable anyway, is it, with those ropes?’’

It’s fine, she said, and explained that what she would prefer is to have the hammock right on the deck, but she realized it was too wide for that. So, let’s do it from deck post to tree, OK, she said.

Fortunately, I had an old treated 4X4 landscape tie. I got the bolts and drill and tied it to one of the deck 4X4s. I retrieved the hooks from the now-abandoned trees and attached one to the post. Then, I picked what appeared to be a good tree the right distance away and put the other hook on it.

"Whaddaya think?’’ I asked as I connected the hammock to the hooks.

"I don’t know,’’ she said skeptically. "Try it.’’

So I climbed in and immediately banged against the rocks below. This was no longer at all humorous, I thought, as I rolled out of the blasted hammock and had to listen to her say that I’d better try another tree farther away.

Getting smarter, I unhooked the hammock from the one tree and stretched it to a farther one. "This will work,’’ I said.

"Try it,’’ she said.

I moved the hook and attached the hammock. It looked fine. I got in and swung peacefully above the rocks in partial sunlight. I was saying how it seemed to be working great when our cat, Harry, walked underneath and reached up and scratched my swaying bum. It was like being stuck with the pin of one of my Bush buttons.

"Hey, did you see what he did? Let me outta this thing,’’ I cried, climbing out of the hammock to chase the cat away.

Susan still wasn’t convinced the hammock was in the right place. Later she got in it but decided the entry and exit were too difficult with all the rocks around, but she’d see.

It hung there for a week and then one day I noticed it had been taken down. It was rolled up in the garage.

"I just don’t like that hammock,’’ she replied to my questioning.

I can’t say I was disappointed. In fact, a week or so later when it disappeared from the garage I was downright elated.

With summer nearing its waning days, I don’t think there’ll be any more hammocks this year. I’m happy to say I’m off the hook until at least next summer.

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Cary Brunswick is managing editor of The Daily Star. He can be reached at 432-1000, ext. 217, or cary@thedailystar.com.