It was too cold to play.

So we went to the mall

for a Sunday matinee.

The movie we chose

was "The Cat in the Hat,"

a Dr. Seuss classic —

one of my favorites, at that.

It was the very first book

my daughter learned to read,

so it is special to me —

very special indeed.

And that is why

I'm disappointed to admit

that I didn't like the movie —

not one little bit.

Mike Myers, as the cat,

was a terrible choice.

For one thing, he couldn't lose

his Austin Powers voice.

For another, he admitted

he wasn't good at rhymes

and he shouted "Oh yeah!"

about 10 too many times.

I didn't have a problem

with the overall plot.

But neither would I say

that I liked it a lot.

A single mother, Joan,

juggling two kids and work,

is dating a neighbor

who turns out to be a jerk.

Joan begs Conrad and Sally

not to make a mess.

But the crazy cat shows up —

and you can guess the rest.

They make a huge mess

all over the place

and then they go off

on an action-packed chase.

The dog has escaped

with the lock to a crate

that must be closed up —

before it's too late.

The crate is the home of

Thing 1 and Thing 2.

and if you've read the book,

you know what they do.

Overall, I didn't think that

this movie was funny.

It seemed more about

making corporate America money.

From theme park rides

to Burger King toys

the movie's been marketed

toward girls and boys.

Most of the jokes, however,

were crude, rude and lewd —

not appropriate for kids,

not conducive to my mood.

As the "Couch Mechanic,"

the Cat in the Hat

had his butt hanging out,

and looked sloppy and fat.

Then there's the Asian baby sitter;

her name was Mrs. Kwan.

She just slept or watched TV.

She may as well have been gone.

The cat hung her in the closet,

and, just for a lark,

rode her body like a sled

in a bizarre amusement park.

Then the cat took the kids

to a rave (during the day),

and danced with Paris Hilton

before continuing on his way.

In a piñata disguise,

the Cat in the Hat

was attacked by kids

armed with baseball bats.

My daughter was disturbed

by the birthday party scene.

"I didn't like it," she told me,

"because it was mean."

All in all, I give the movie

two thumbs down.

I thought I would laugh

but I left with a frown.

It could have honored Dr. Seuss,

his imagination, his rhymes.

Instead, it was a sad statement

on what's "funny" in these times.

I don't really know

just who is to blame.

But I agree with the book-cat,

who said, "What a shame."

———

Lisa Miller is a freelance writer who lives in Oneonta. She can be reached at lisamiller44@hotmail.com.