Don’t worry. As one of the world’s foremost authorities on whatnot, I am happy to explain everything to you.

No need to thank me. All this wisdom comes included in the price of your newspaper.

OK, so here’s the deal with Iran.

The first thing you have to remember is that this is a country made up almost entirely of crazy people.

Well, not really. Mostly, it’s the people running the government who are the only real nutcases.

Just like here in the U.S.A.

The thing is, though, we’ve had atom bombs since 1945, and we haven’t used them since World War II. The main reason is that the countries we hated most had ’em, too ... or at least were friends with countries that had ’em.

Along the years, we’ve had some presidents who weren’t bright enough to tie their own shoelaces, but even they knew that if we dropped "The Big One" on — say — Moscow, it would lead to a nuclear war that would destroy life as we know it.

President Bush may not know how to pronounce "nuclear" (he still says "nucular" most of the time), but he certainly is aware that wiping out the human race would be bad for business, making it rather difficult for Halliburton to collect on all its Pentagon contracts.

But these Iranian leaders are just nuts enough to think that a nuclear war might not be such a bad thing. With the memory of the takeover of the U.S. Embassy in Tehran warm in their hearts, the religious zealots who run Iran take delight in subsidizing terror.

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell said flat-out that Iran is funding insurgents in Iraq. Iran has been giving aid and comfort to Palestinian terrorists for many years, too.

Now, Tehran is trying like — well — crazy to develop nuclear weapons it can put atop its ballistic missiles. The missiles are capable of reaching Israel and our troops in Iraq.

Israel already has lots of nuclear weapons at home and on submarines. The U.S., of course, has a nuclear bomb for every member of the National Rifle Association.

If Iran were to drop "The Big One" on Israel or on our troops in Iraq, the return fire would turn all of Iran into burnt charcoal, but we can’t be sure any of its leaders would care.

You gotta remember, these characters think suicide bombing is a very good idea.

So what am I saying?

I’m saying we’re all going to die in a nuclear holocaust the likes of which the world has never seen!

YAAAAAAAGHHH!

Or ... maybe not.

The Israelis, who destroyed Iraq’s nuclear facility in 1981 (and aren’t we glad they did) would probably do the same to Iran if Israel thought Tehran was close to getting "The Bomb."

If not the Israelis, then Bush and Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld wouldn’t be at all shy about sending a few Stealth bombers from Iraq to do the job. You know, as long as we’re in the neighborhood ...

Bush even made it a point to threaten Iran in his State of the Union address.

"Today," he said, "Iran remains the world’s primary state sponsor of terror — pursuing nuclear (or was it nucular?) weapons while depriving its people of the freedom they seek and deserve. ... And to the Iranian people, I say tonight: As you stand for your own liberty, America stands with you."

Now, no one knows for sure just what the president meant when he said all that about America standing with the Iranian people. Maybe Bush knows, but we can’t be certain of that.

Maybe he meant that if the Iranians rise up and overthrow their repressive regime, the U.S. will provide massive amounts of financial aid.

After all, it’s just money. It’s not like it’s real, or we wouldn’t be tossing so much of it around in Iraq. What’s another 80 billion bucks?

We can just trim Social Security benefits, prevent college students from consolidating their loans, let Amtrak die, cut aid to the cops, the firefighters and folks who need home-heating assistance ...

... Like Bush advocated in his budget proposal this week.

Let’s see, I’ve touched on the State of the Union speech, the presidential budget, Social Security and Iran’s nukes. What have I left out?

Oh yeah, the whatnot.

The whatnot is that if Iran gets nuclear weapons, all that other stuff won’t matter one little bit.

It’s like George Carlin’s classic "Hippy-Dippy Weatherman" comedy routine.

"Our radar has picked up a band of showers coming from the east," Carlin’s spaced-out weatherman would report. "However, our radar has also picked up a band of Russian ICBMs, so ... don’t sweat the showers!"

Sam Pollak is editor of The Daily Star. He can be reached at spollak@thedailystar.com or at (607) 432-1000, ext. 208.