This weekend shall find me following the sage advice of the late writer Lin Yutang, whose opinion it was that "if you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live."

I plan not to improve my mind through scholarship nor my body through exercise. Instead you can find me relaxing on the couch with a refreshing beverage while watching the NCAA basketball tournament.

That doesn’t mean I won’t be thinking deep, meaningful thoughts (at least during the commercials) or — far more likely — shallow, useless thoughts.

Trust me, this heavy thinking is harder than it looks. Helping me out, however, has been an unrelenting cascade of intriguing and ridiculous stuff coming out of Texas.

To wit:

"Don’t mess with Texas."

That’s what the signs say as you drive through the 267,000 square miles of our second-largest state. They’re supposed to mean you’re not supposed to litter.

And yet, there is the unmistakable double-entendre that tells you they know how to handle miscreants and other varmints in the Lone Star State.

After all, since 1976, Texas has executed more criminals than the next five states combined.

I’ve spent considerable time in Texas, working at two fine newspapers, attending college and finding a highly satisfactory bride. Yet, I’ve always believed that if Texas happened to be in Europe, it would be Prussia.

It’s not just because of the state’s promotional slogan, "It’s Like A Whole Other Country." And it’s citizens are probably no more fierce than — say — South Carolina’s. It’s just that a lot of Texans seem to have this unique way of looking at things.

"There was a great altercation in Texas (in the 1930s) about whether you should teach just English in school or use Spanish for the little kids who had just come over from Mexico," said former President Jimmy Carter in a speech.

"It was a hot debate. Governor ’Ma’ Ferguson finally decided the issue by holding up a King James Bible, and she said, ’If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it’s good enough for Texans.’ "

Much more recently, Rep. Al Edwards, a 26-year veteran of the Texas House, cast a keen, flinty eye on the great issues confronting the state in the 21st century and decided to create some meaningful legislation.

It concerns his view that high school cheerleaders are getting too sexy.

Apparently having given the subject a good deal of his attention, Mr. Edwards would punish "sexually suggestive" cheerleading at high school events.

"It’s just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they’re shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down," said Edwards.

"And then we say to them, ’don’t get involved in sex unless it’s marriage or love, it’s dangerous out there’ and yet the teachers and directors are helping them go through those kind of gyrations."

I have no idea what specific "gyrations" by high school girls are turning on Rep. Edwards. But I suspect it might be rather difficult for cheerleading instructors to differentiate the wholesome from the prurient.

"No girls, you may not shake your booty. In fact, you must keep your booty immobile at all times."

Edwards’ reference to what they’re teaching students about sex in Texas is very interesting. A new study reports that the state’s efforts to promote abstinence-only sex education programs — a major aspect of President Bush’s education plan — aren’t working in the president’s home state.

Researchers at Texas A&M University reported last month that teenagers taking courses emphasizing abstinence-only themes in 29 Texas high schools became ... well ... increasingly sexually active.

Just like the kids who weren’t taking abstinence-only courses.

Despite this evidence that abstinence makes the heart grow fonder, the Bush administration intends to spend about $130 million this year to fund "just say no to sex" programs.

And finally, this little Texas vignette:

Smith County Constable Dennis Taylor got a call last week from a real estate company representative who reported a stolen house in Lindale, Texas.

"Is it a trailer house, ma’am?" asked the constable.

"No," was the reply. "It’s a brick house."

According to the Associated Press, authorities say two gentlemen from Tyler, Texas, took someone’s entire three-bedroom brick house apart a little at a time over three months and sold the materials for money and drugs.

Taylor said the men worked slowly and haphazardly in daylight, in clear view of everyone passing by on Lindale’s main street.

"It’s the strangest case I’ve ever worked in my life," the constable said. "Everybody drove by and waved at them."

Right-friendly, those Texans. After all, "Texas" is taken from an Indian word meaning "friends."

Still, particularly if you believe that Jesus spoke Aramaic, people should pay attention to the games instead of ogling high school cheerleaders, and teenagers should be given meaningful sex education, my advice is, don’t mess with Texas.

Have a nice weekend.

Sam Pollak is editor of The Daily Star. He can be reached at spollak@thedailystar.com or at (607) 432-1000, ext. 208.