President Bush hasn’t called me and asked for my advice about picking his new Supreme Court nominee.

I know. I know.

It just doesn’t make any sense.

As soon as Sandra Day O’Connor announced her retirement, all of Washington, D.C. must have been wondering the same thing:

"What does Pollak think?"

"Has anyone called Sam yet?"

Certainly, it’s a mystery why my sage counsel hasn’t been sought. Sure, the president has been busy with all that G8 Summit stuff, but what— they don’t have telephones in Gleneagles, Scotland?

He’s so busy ignoring world poverty, disease and global warming that he couldn’t pick up a phone?

C’mon.

A lesser man would allow his hurt feelings to hold sway and induce him to withhold his advice.

But not me. No sir, I’m far too much of a patriot to keep all this wisdom to myself. But I’m not picking up the phone, either. I’ve got my pride. If the prez wants my Top 10 list of nominees, he’s going to have to read it here, just like everybody else.

Nominee No. 1: Paris Hilton.

Let’s face it, anyone Mr. Bush nominates is going to be assailed from the left or from the right based on how he or she voted on this issue or that and on any number of judicial opinions.

We get around that problem, because it’s obvious that the gorgeous Ms. Hilton hasn’t had a cogent thought in her whole life. How can anyone criticize nothing?

To wit, Paris went all out for the "Rock the Vote" movement before last year’s election, making statements and posing for a poster encouraging everyone to "Vote or Die."

The thing was, Paris Hilton forgot to vote, which was OK, because she also forgot to register to vote.

Making the choice for the high court even more appealing is that based on at least one of her more-popular videos (which I haven’t seen — I swear!) Paris probably has her own robe.

Nominee No. 2: Osama bin Laden.

Hey, it’s been almost four years since 9/11, and Bush hasn’t caught the guy yet. Maybe bin Laden would show up for his Senate confirmation hearing.

Nominee No. 3: Tom Cruise.

Everybody else argues over a woman’s right to choose. Not Mr. Cruise. He’s the only person who seems interested in a woman after she gives birth.

His interest is to tell her to shut up if she has postpartum depression.

That’s got to appeal to at least some senators ... as long as they’re male.

Cruise went on television and ripped actress Brooke Shields, the author of "Down Came the Rain: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression," for taking doctor-prescribed antidepressants so she wouldn’t hurt her baby.

Experts say 10 percent of all new moms have some form of postpartum depression. When challenged about his views by "Today" host Matt Lauer, Cruise aggressively insisted he was an expert on the "history of psychiatry."

Tom’s new fiancee is young actress Katie Holmes, whose father is a big shot lawyer in Toledo, Ohio. Maybe she’ll turn out to be a descendant of the late Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

Either way, if the Supreme Court ever needs anyone to go on "Oprah" and bounce around on the couch, Mr. Cruise is the man.

Nominee No. 4: Diana Ross.

She’s been away from the Supremes far too long.

Nominee No. 5: Lance Armstrong.

He’s a cancer survivor, a national hero, a wonderful example of perseverance and determination. He’s even from the prez’s home state of Texas.

More importantly, considering Mr. Bush’s unfortunate pedaling mishap at the G-8 Summit, somebody needs to teach the president how to ride a bike.

Nominees Nos. 6, 7 and 8: O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake and Michael Jackson.

Say what you will, these three guys really know their way around the judicial system.

Nominee No. 9: Rush Limbaugh.

No, he doesn’t have a glowing educational background, experience in government or any particular expertise in anything ... but that hasn’t stopped him so far.

Nominee No. 10: Dick Cheney.

This is the person to pick only if everything the president has attempted has been an unmitigated disaster and he’s in the "last throes" of the selection process.

The Republican senators will vote for him because they do what they are told. The Democrats will vote for him so he wouldn’t be "a heartbeat away from the presidency" anymore.

President Bush, those are my suggestions. No charge. Don’t be shy the next time there’s an opening on the court, just call me. But if you’re in Scotland, please don’t call collect.

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Sam Pollak is editor of The Daily Star. He can be reached at spollak@thedailystar.com or at (607) 432-1000, ext. 208.