In that this is my final column of the year, it is altogether appropriate to continue what has been a hallowed tradition for _ gee _ about a year now.

Yes, friends, it's time for The Second Annual Sammy Awards, named, of course, by me, after me and devoted to _ ahem _ news items I've been dutifully squirreling away all year.

May I have the envelopes, please?

The "Let Me Show You What I Learned In The Army" Sammy goes to:

A 22-year-old London man just back from serving in Iraq.

The fellow, getting right into the spirit of Britain's Bonfire Night celebrations last month in Sunderland, England, suffered internal injuries after lighting a small firecracker he had cleverly inserted into his buttocks.

The holiday is marked with fireworks, just like our Fourth of July, except it celebrates Guy Fawkes' gunpowder plot to blow up Parliament in the 17th century.

According to The Times newspaper, several of the man's pals recorded the feat on a mobile phone. The image is reportedly blurry, but shows the fellow bent over with his pants down before a white flash is seen as the firecracker explodes.

That is one soldier who is definitely officer material.

The "Michael Jackson One Glove For No Apparent Reason" Sammy goes to:

Baseball player Torii Hunter:

According to the Hartford (Conn.) Courant, Minnesota Twins outfielder Torii Hunter isn't about to let his baseball glove get away with slacking off.

If Hunter can't make a play that he thinks he could have but isn't charged with an error, he microwaves his glove for 30 seconds.

It's even worse if he makes an error. Then the unfortunate mitt spends two full minutes in the microwave.

"That's punishment [for the glove]," Hunter said. "You do something bad, you go to hell."

The "Criminal Mastermind" Sammy goes to:

A young man named Abdullah.

Back in August, 18-year-old Abdullah Date sent New York police one of those "catch me if you can" letters so popular with those who like to taunt cops.

The envelope sent by the young man to the 73rd Precinct in Brooklyn contained a white powder and a bunch of threats.

It seems Abdullah was upset because he had recently been arrested after police watched him throw vials of crack cocaine out of a window of his Brooklyn home.

The obscenity-filled letter said _ referring to the white powder in the envelope _ "Ha, Ha (you) thought it was anthrax." It ended with "Catch me if you can."

The cops had little trouble doing just that. The letter was signed "Abdullah Date," and his home address appeared on the envelope.

The "Stay Calm Everybody, I Am A Professional" Sammy goes to:

A Virgin Atlantic Airways flight attendant.

OK, you're a passenger on a flight from London's Gatwick Airport to Las Vegas when there's a good bit of turbulence jostling the airplane.

You, of course, stay calm, knowing that you're flying with a highly trained crew of professionals.

Then you hear something from the flight attendant. You have no trouble making out what she is saying, because she is screaming.

"We're going to crash! We're going to crash! We're going to crash!"

According to the Lodi News-Sentinel, not surprisingly, panic ensued on the craft. A flight attendant's opinion is the kind of thing that gets your attention.

Passenger Paul Gibson told England's Daily Mirror: "She began screaming every time the plane shook."

To be fair, there was a good deal of turbulence, but the plane did land safely, and at last word, the flight attendant had not been disciplined by the airline.

The "You Bet Your Sweet ... Donkey" Sammy goes to:

The school board in Rajasthan, India.

The Times of India reported in April that a textbook used in the Indian state compares housewives to donkeys ... and not at all favorably.

"A donkey is like a housewife," says the textbook. "In fact, the donkey is a shade better, for while the housewife may sometimes complain and walk off to her parents' home, you'll never catch the donkey being disloyal to his master."

The Hindi-language book is meant to be studied by 14-year-olds, and was approved by the state's Hindu nationalist Bharatiya Janata Party government.

"The Man Certainly Knows His Shakespeare" Sammy goes to:

Accused murderer John Gomes.

"First thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." [Shakespeare, King Henry VI, Part II, IV, ii]

Mr. Gomes, who was being tried for murder in a Boston courtroom, was so disappointed with his attorney's performance in court that he tried to strangle him, according to a Reuters story in May.

"I think he just didn't like the way some of the rulings the judge was making was going," lawyer Bruce Carroll told WBZ Radio.

"He eventually stood up, started saying something and reached over and grabbed me by the throat."

Fortunately, several police offers separated Gomes, 29, from Carroll, 59, and restored some order in the court.

Just one week before the incident, Carroll had tried to withdraw from the case, but the judge denied his request.

The "Father of the Year Second Runner-up" Sammy goes to:

Alfredo Martinez of Nevada.

On Halloween, Martinez realized that he had consumed too much alcohol and that he probably shouldn't drive.

All well and good up to that point. However, Mr. Martinez then chose his 7-year-old son as his designated driver.

Reno cops noticed the car weaving across lanes and stopping suddenly, so they pulled the vehicle over just before it was to go onto a highway.

They found Martinez drunk in the passenger seat after he had directed his kid to drive him home.

Martinez has been charged with felony child endangerment.

The "Father of the Year First Runner-up" Sammy goes to:

Albert Monroe Boyce, Jr. of Hyndman, Pa.

Mr. Boyce was accused of drunken driving after telling police that his 4-year-old son was driving his SUV when it crashed into a tree in July.

The Associated Press reported that Boyce said the boy was sitting on his lap and turned the wheel too far to one side.

Gee, you'd think a 4-year-old kid would know better than to do that.

Boyce was charged with drunken driving, child endangerment, reckless endangerment and driving without a license.

He received facial injuries in the crash, and his son was treated and released for unspecified injuries, authorities said.

Police also said that Boyce had an open 30-pack of Budweiser and a cooler in the vehicle when the crash happened.

The "Father of the Year" Sammy goes to:

William Allen Cunningham of Georgia.

Cunningham, the father of a 3-year-old boy and 18-month-old girl, is accused of poisoning his children's soup so he could sue Campble Soup Co.

The kids were taken to hospital emergency rooms three times in January after their father spiked their soup with prescription depression drugs Prozac and Amitriptyline, according to authorities quoted by the Associated Press.

The little girl was so gravely ill that she was flown by helicopter to a hospital in Atlanta.

Cunningham, 40, faces numerous charges for fraud and endangering the welfare of his children, and faced 75 years in prison.

The kids are living with their mom, where, it is hoped, their soup will be mmmmm, mmmmm good.

___

Sam Pollak is editor of The Daily Star. He can be reached at spollak@thedailystar.com or at (607) 432-1000, ext. 208.