"Hello, Seattle Police Department."

Yeah, hi, I’d like to report a missing person.

"OK, sir, what’s your name?"

Matt Schauf, that’s S-C-H-A-U-F, as in "Frank."

"All right, Mr. Schaust, what’s the name of the missing person?"

Matt Hasselbeck.

"I’m sorry, did you say Matt Hasselbeck, as in the Seahawks quarterback?"

That’s right. He’s disappeared.

[an error occurred while processing this directive]"OK … uh, how long has he been missing?"

Well, I wondered about him a little bit in weeks 1 and 2, then he showed back up for the third and fourth games, but no one’s seen him since then. I’m worried.

"Is this a joke, sir?"

No way, not for fantasy owners who grabbed him early in the draft this year, especially those of us who have him in pay leagues. He tied for third in the league last year with 26 touchdown passes and carried the eighth highest quarterback rating. This season he’s thrown seven touchdowns and is the 25th-rated passer.

"O … K …, but what makes you say Mr. Hasselbeck is missing?"

How else can you explain six interceptions the past two games, including four to the 26th-ranked Arizona pass defense in Week 8?

"Well, uh …"

What other explanation is there for the five quarterbacks rated just ahead of him being Mark Brunell (who’s been terrible in Washington and is further past his prime than month-old doughnuts), Michael Vick (who despite remaining a strong running threat has been excruciatingly slow at picking up Atlanta’s new offense), Drew Bledsoe (who does a great impression of that Saddam Hussein statue toppling in Baghdad), Josh McCown (who hasn’t been too bad considering he’s starting for the first time and is without his best receiver, Anquan Boldin) and Brad Johnson (who was dropped to third on the Bucs’ depth chart because of ineffectiveness).

"I’m sorry, sir, we really need to keep this line open for emergencies."

This is an emergency!

Daunte Culpepper with his 50-TD pace is carrying my two-quarterback Daily Star league team, but if he’s less-than-spectacular and somebody else doesn’t step up, this league’s too even to rely on the nonexistent Hasselbeck.

"Well, sir, as a Seattle football fan, I understand your frustration, but Shaun Alexander has been the one carrying that team for several ye … wait a minute, sir, I have to …"

You’re right. Alexander is clearly the best player on that offense, but Mike Holmgren has been steadily decreasing his carries, including giving S-Dog the ball 16 times in the loss to New England and 12 times as they choked in Arizona.

"Sir … wait, did you just say ’S-Dog’?"

Of course not. Anyway, the Seattle offense was on the verge of becoming one of those units where you could pick up just about anyone as a bye-week fill-in and count on at least a fighting chance he’d reach the end zone.

Instead we must look to teams such as Minnesota (solid fill-ins include Marcus Robinson, Nate Burleson, Jermaine Wiggins and the running back of the week); Indianapolis (Dallas Clark, Marcus Pollard and Dominic Rhodes); Philadelphia (Todd Pinkston, L.J. Smith, Chad Lewis and Dorsey Levens); even Cleveland (Lee Suggs, William Green, Aaron Shea, Andre Davis and soon Antonio Bryant).

"OK, sir, all this info really does nothing for me."

I know. I’m simply trying to help out anyone nice enough to visit the island this week.

"The where?"

Well, it’s not really an island, just kind of a made-up place where I … Click.

Hello? So you’re looking into that Hasselbeck report, right? Hello?

Matt Schauf bugs people on a weekly basis for The Daily Star. E-mail him at mschauf63@hotmail.com.